Uncategorized – Poetry In My Veins

Perfume

In my defense, I was able to hold it for 15 long minutes.

It is 4:47 pm right now and I know that because ever since I found out I have been feeling every single second pass through me like a million micro needles piercing my skin and bones. Your sister asks me to find myself a place to sit and that its okay if I don’t want to sit on the bed you passed away on. I actually wanted to sit on the bed but I don’t know why I still went towards the couch. I have to say everyone was way more composed than I had thought and it seemed like I was the one losing it the most. We settle down, wait for everyone to join us and then we discuss tiny details of the day, your life in the past few weeks and then I see it. The bottle, dark blue, and its faux leather case right beside it. That perfume. One ordinary piece of daily equipment and suddenly I couldn’t hold it in to save my life.

We met on Thursday, just three days ago, a meeting so long-due I was almost a little nervous to see you. You know how you go too long without seeing someone, you are a little nervous if they’ll find you as you again? That kind of nervousness. We were roaming around cyber city catching up when we decide to enter that store. I don’t remember whose idea it was, probably mine. You mentioned you were looking for a perfume and we start skimming their shelves to find you one. We shortlisted like three of them, taking the assistants help, spraying it on our wrists making the other one sniff it. I have the exact visual of you extending your palms towards my face imprinted in my head like a tattoo. I liked that fragrance. You asked me to choose between two and I did and you went ahead with that one and however small you might think that gesture was you have no idea what it meant to me that you chose what I chose. I remember thinking in that moment that I hope I get to smell it on you sometime, that we see each other again before you run out of that perfume because it took us forever to finalize today’s meet. You bought it. I carried that around for you most day. And now that perfume is right in front of me on this small bedside table in your room which is not on the side of the bed for some reason. The bottle, right there. We bought this three days ago. Three. And you died that night. Did you get a chance to spray it on yourself? Did you still like the way it smelled or did you think the other one was better? Did I cross your mind when you unboxed it? Did you like my choice? Would you trust it again? Hundred more questions but not one I’ll get an answer to. It’s absurd that one day you are here shopping for a perfume with me and the next you aren’t around to use it. It’s absolutely wild that a bottle of perfume can make me want to chop my brain in pieces so it’s unable to bring back the day I associate it with. And it’s a tragedy that you decided to leave me behind without even telling me whether or not you liked it.

I understand you couldn’t have known but you could have helped me to learn to live without you a little. You cared enough to check on my anxiety when I wouldn’t know I was anxious myself then how do you explain this? What do you have to say about me finally meeting your family but for the most unfortunate reason there could be. I catch my breath again but for what, I don’t know.

It’s been two months since your passing today and I am finally brave enough to start writing about you. I do that in my journal every other day but here, it seems like a big deal. Not one hour goes when I don’t think about you. Not one day I can contain my tears. Its so unbelievably hard and I would be lying if I say I know I will make through but I hope I do. You gave me the best time of my life and took it away in the blink of an eye. Its late, I should go to bed. I don’t know why I do this though. Working, eating, going to bed and most of all waking up the next day. It’s not like I’ll get to smell that perfume on you.

Sham

I’m too old to be dreaming fairy tales

Too old to be crying over spilled milk and closed gates

So, I straighten my shoulders right after a session

I hate my parents but I ask for their permission

I walk like I know how to

You’ll never catch me flinch

I’ll pretend like I’m this all-knowing guru

Even if I’m riding on a hunch

I don’t let boys walk all over me

I move on like there was never anything there

But if you ask me if I could ever care

I don’t know if I’ll tell you I would have kissed you on the third date

I know you’re not the holding hands type so I’d settle for a shake

I wouldn’t tell you you have parts missing I’d just quietly try to put them back together

You’re too tall for me and we don’t fit together

I’d never say you’re everything I like in my men

But you might figure that from my checklist and my ear-to-ear grin

I’d tell you this isn’t optimal and I’d make you believe that

And then I’ll go home and curl up in a ball like a sad cat

I’d never say you’d be foolish to not think of an us

And tell you our flirting in this friendship is just a plus

And I’d give my life to hiding how weak you make me feel

You can never find out how desperately I’d like us to be real

I’d tell you having a painter wife would be best

And if you’re still unsure your father can handle the rest

I’d hide all this ache to belong to you in such plain sight

And if I ever confess when drunk I’d say the time was never right

You can never find out I want you to be the one for me

Or that I think obsessively about the day you drunk asked me to be

And I’d console myself and say its just that problem you have

And I’ll try not to let you cross my mind when I’m lying naked on my back

I’d keep you believing I’m this strong unbreakable whore

That you can relate to your fuckedupness with but you’d always need more

But every now and then I’d convince myself that it’s fine

To let you see how I undress you with my eyes

You’d ask how all my friends know you and I’d say that’s just how I am

And you can never see how this entire friendship is a big fucking sham

And if you ever even convince me that you can handle my edges this rough

I would still believe no one can put up with a love this tough.

Vacuum

As time goes by your heart beats for the first time
But one day you wake up and realize your best friend died
In the car crash of a love story that should never have been
So don’t date the only shoulder you ever had to lean

You become friends eventually and things move on
You both find new faces to build new dreams on
But there’s this hole in your heart that creates a vacuum
And there are days it will suck the air out of the room

And you’ll find another person to think of as your best bet
You’d flirt with them but there’d be something missing
Something they would know and you would know
But you’d rather wear a fake face than ever let it show

But when you think too hard you’ll realise it was right
Life is less unbearable without their petty fights
Now the wrinkle on their nose from when their friend swung the bat
is someone else’s story to learn as they lie together on the mat.

Dot 5

It’s dot 5 and my work is done

It doesn’t end this early most days

I shut my laptop, take a round around

I come back and stand at the edge of my door

And I think to myself did I lead myself here

Is it on me for the atrocities I see

And the lack of sounds

And the hollowness within me

Am I to blame

I believe

I hadn’t heard birds so loud in a while

The noise children make when they play in the streets

I’m trying to focus on every sound there is

I hear everything just my own heartbeat

It was around this year when Jan stopped hurting

Now here is March, marching me to my grave

I walk bare and wave white

They tell me I am brave

Am I brave

I believe

There is soon going to be a new girl

With pearls around her neck

And glitter in her eyes

And you’d look at her with love like

You used to look at me

And you’ll tell her she’s the most beautiful

Thing you’ve ever seen and she’ll believe you

Will I wonder if you’re lying or will

I believe

Duty Calls

We’re growing up, aren’t we?

Big decisions are showing up, aren’t they?

And while in the middle of it all, the thought of losing you stands tall

I have an ounce of hope

Should I bounce or should I cope?

I’ve been here my love, it’s not new for me

I see the pattern, heartbreak stands due for me

While I might have realized my heart can take it

This time even my head really wants to make it.

Life is tough but you make me float

This insecure little girl has started to gloat

I’ve come a long way and so have you

I wouldn’t have known peace if not for us two.

I discard them like old clothes but for you, I stop and think

However rough may it be, come join me for a drink

We knew it was going to get tough right?

But if anyone, it’s us who can take this fight.

So what I mean to say is, it’s okay if it’s dark

We don’t see a path ahead, so let’s embrace each step of the walk

And we won’t even realize how quickly we’ll be there

Our paths may separate, but I’ll forever be here.

And we might make up silly scenarios but we’ll end up just fine

My father has always told me nothing comes before due time

It might be hard and be the first rock in a long line

but I promise you love, I will fight to make you mine.

So go do what you gotta do, duty calls

Do your time living stories, I will wait here for the dates to the mall

We started with the Dreamhouse and we’ll end up building it

We are more than lovers, our heads and hearts both fit.