Sham

I’m too old to be dreaming fairy tales

Too old to be crying over spilled milk and closed gates

So, I straighten my shoulders right after a session

I hate my parents but I ask for their permission

I walk like I know how to

You’ll never catch me flinch

I’ll pretend like I’m this all-knowing guru

Even if I’m riding on a hunch

I don’t let boys walk all over me

I move on like there was never anything there

But if you ask me if I could ever care

I don’t know if I’ll tell you I would have kissed you on the third date

I know you’re not the holding hands type so I’d settle for a shake

I wouldn’t tell you you have parts missing I’d just quietly try to put them back together

You’re too tall for me and we don’t fit together

I’d never say you’re everything I like in my men

But you might figure that from my checklist and my ear-to-ear grin

I’d tell you this isn’t optimal and I’d make you believe that

And then I’ll go home and curl up in a ball like a sad cat

I’d never say you’d be foolish to not think of an us

And tell you our flirting in this friendship is just a plus

And I’d give my life to hiding how weak you make me feel

You can never find out how desperately I’d like us to be real

I’d tell you having a painter wife would be best

And if you’re still unsure your father can handle the rest

I’d hide all this ache to belong to you in such plain sight

And if I ever confess when drunk I’d say the time was never right

You can never find out I want you to be the one for me

Or that I think obsessively about the day you drunk asked me to be

And I’d console myself and say its just that problem you have

And I’ll try not to let you cross my mind when I’m lying naked on my back

I’d keep you believing I’m this strong unbreakable whore

That you can relate to your fuckedupness with but you’d always need more

But every now and then I’d convince myself that it’s fine

To let you see how I undress you with my eyes

You’d ask how all my friends know you and I’d say that’s just how I am

And you can never see how this entire friendship is a big fucking sham

And if you ever even convince me that you can handle my edges this rough

I would still believe no one can put up with a love this tough.