Perfume

In my defense, I was able to hold it for 15 long minutes.

It is 4:47 pm right now and I know that because ever since I found out I have been feeling every single second pass through me like a million micro needles piercing my skin and bones. Your sister asks me to find myself a place to sit and that its okay if I don’t want to sit on the bed you passed away on. I actually wanted to sit on the bed but I don’t know why I still went towards the couch. I have to say everyone was way more composed than I had thought and it seemed like I was the one losing it the most. We settle down, wait for everyone to join us and then we discuss tiny details of the day, your life in the past few weeks and then I see it. The bottle, dark blue, and its faux leather case right beside it. That perfume. One ordinary piece of daily equipment and suddenly I couldn’t hold it in to save my life.

We met on Thursday, just three days ago, a meeting so long-due I was almost a little nervous to see you. You know how you go too long without seeing someone, you are a little nervous if they’ll find you as you again? That kind of nervousness. We were roaming around cyber city catching up when we decide to enter that store. I don’t remember whose idea it was, probably mine. You mentioned you were looking for a perfume and we start skimming their shelves to find you one. We shortlisted like three of them, taking the assistants help, spraying it on our wrists making the other one sniff it. I have the exact visual of you extending your palms towards my face imprinted in my head like a tattoo. I liked that fragrance. You asked me to choose between two and I did and you went ahead with that one and however small you might think that gesture was you have no idea what it meant to me that you chose what I chose. I remember thinking in that moment that I hope I get to smell it on you sometime, that we see each other again before you run out of that perfume because it took us forever to finalize today’s meet. You bought it. I carried that around for you most day. And now that perfume is right in front of me on this small bedside table in your room which is not on the side of the bed for some reason. The bottle, right there. We bought this three days ago. Three. And you died that night. Did you get a chance to spray it on yourself? Did you still like the way it smelled or did you think the other one was better? Did I cross your mind when you unboxed it? Did you like my choice? Would you trust it again? Hundred more questions but not one I’ll get an answer to. It’s absurd that one day you are here shopping for a perfume with me and the next you aren’t around to use it. It’s absolutely wild that a bottle of perfume can make me want to chop my brain in pieces so it’s unable to bring back the day I associate it with. And it’s a tragedy that you decided to leave me behind without even telling me whether or not you liked it.

I understand you couldn’t have known but you could have helped me to learn to live without you a little. You cared enough to check on my anxiety when I wouldn’t know I was anxious myself then how do you explain this? What do you have to say about me finally meeting your family but for the most unfortunate reason there could be. I catch my breath again but for what, I don’t know.

It’s been two months since your passing today and I am finally brave enough to start writing about you. I do that in my journal every other day but here, it seems like a big deal. Not one hour goes when I don’t think about you. Not one day I can contain my tears. Its so unbelievably hard and I would be lying if I say I know I will make through but I hope I do. You gave me the best time of my life and took it away in the blink of an eye. Its late, I should go to bed. I don’t know why I do this though. Working, eating, going to bed and most of all waking up the next day. It’s not like I’ll get to smell that perfume on you.