Author Archives: Tanya Rana

It has been terrible and the ups and downs have wrecked me to an unbelievable extent but I think we have it in control now. The past 6 years have been miserable. Nothing but pure misery. Don’t get me wrong they were not terrible. I was alive and breathing and had friends and had lovers but nothing and no one could fill that one void made by you. And to be honest I didn’t want anyone to. Truth be told I never thought you would be mine again. Curled up in my arms in this room away from our city, sleeping soundly like you once used to. I thought you would have found this comfort somewhere else and he would have been the one for you. I was wrong and I am so glad I was. We still have to tell the world. We broke an enormous number of hearts to get here. I know we did. We left people in the misery that we are scared to be in. But I don’t know. I am not thinking of it right now. I have wanted you all my life and i finally have you. I am not giving you up again and I don’t care if I’m morally or ethically wrong. Love is love. And I love you. I love you so much it stayed like a pinching ache in my chest for the past years I spent without you. You are mine now. And I am yours. We go together. We will forever go together.

You walk in there sat are all my

Friends I love more than life itself

Happy faces, drunk faces

People falling off bed.

As you go you see a side

My dog’s presence in every corner

He is the bearer of the torch

The one to protect me from all horrors.

As you walk along you spot

My family I have bittersweet ties with

Mostly in a set manner

Formality is in our seed.

Walking down you see a street

One darker than the others

But as you reach there you realize

The light from the street of lovers.

Moving on moving on

There is a special place for grandma

She has her tiny kitchen in there

Making me my favorite oat bars.

Then you reach a spot where

There’s a big board of pictures

My best friend, current and over the years

Hanging by the fixtures.

 As we reach the archives section

You’ll see things you’d rather not

From happy to sad and weeping to mad

That is one overwhelmingly emotional spot.

Walking down to the final lane you’ll see

An ashen-ed, burnt-up place down the road

That place once belonged to him

Before he set fire to the whole damn board.

Look at you there, shining from a distance

I bet he took away every little worry you had

His arm around your waist hurts like a bitch

What bullshit emotions neither happy nor sad.

You don’t know about my presence here yet

I think you entered drunk with your friends

That cute girl from all of your pictures

That asshole whose sight you secretly dread.

You look gorgeous by the way

Unfortunately, I can’t say it out loud

Your boyfriend wouldn’t like that

Not me greeting you, not me being around.

I remember that thing you are wearing

I chose that color for you myself

You really have got something to collect all that courage

To wear that in his arms, oh god I need help.

You really love him, don’t you?

I remember that’s exactly how you used to look at me

Oh no you turned around walking towards me now

Honestly, I would, you rather not have me see.

“Tyler!? Hello, what are you doing here?”

“Nothing much, exactly what you’re doing dear”

Long time no see good to run into you”

You don’t mean it from heart, do you?

“I didn’t know we had mutuals still”

“Well the world’s a small place what can we say”

“Well, I’ll get to go but see you around I guess?”

“Of course, I have some songs to play either way”

I walk my best walk, I want your friends to stare

I’ll do my best, hiding my despair

And oh, the goal is to make YOU regret it too by the way

With my body-fit tux and the way you liked my hair.

I walk to the stage, climb it in a single step

You know exactly what’s coming don’t you

I sing my best chorus with my eyes blinking in yours

The same love in my voice as I’ve always had for you.

I go on and on, fixing my gaze on your cheekbones

Here I’m stripping my throat for you, there you wear his coat

I can see it on his face, he knows exactly what I’m doing

I bet he begs his god that in hell, I rot.

Moments pass by with glimpses of you

Your sight is scarring me, love, please stop

I feel like I’m being beaten to death while my larynx refuses to speak up

You’re killing my last few pints of hope.

So I drench myself in drinks one after another

But you don’t care, who am I anymore

You were right, it makes standing unwanted things easier

Please don’t kiss him in front of me, you whore!

If you wanted my heart broken so badly

You should just have told me, honey

I would have broken it myself for you

And give it to you as a souvenir to store.

But I can see I have lost my war here

Its evident from the way you let him hold you

I’m losing it at the bar while your friends

Stand there laughing, clicking memories for you two.

I begin to leave as you notice and motion towards me

“Going so early honey, don’t find anything else amusing to see?”

“I’m tired, have an early morning tomorrow,

I can drop you home if you please?”

“Oh no I’m staying at his place today”

And that were the last words I heard from you that night

“Okay then, guess I’ll get going then”

I lost, I knew, wasn’t even worth a fight.

Look up at the sky baby

All the stars that you see?

If you count them and get a number

That’s how many pieces in, you broke me.

Truth be told, you are not my first. You are not even my second in a lot of ways. You are not the first guy who I put lip balm on, and you are not the first guy I held the arm of, and you are not the first guy to look at me with glitter in his eyes. You are not the first guy to promise me a forever or to tell me that breaking up with me would be the biggest mistake if you ever make it or that your family knows about me. I have heard all of that before. I have been there before. And like Taylor says in Exile, I have seen this film before and I didn’t like the ending. But I am ready to give this a try, to give you a chance. I know there is a very high chance of me getting my heart broken again and you being yet another guy who would devastatingly leave me in the misery he picked me up from. There is no promise of you to stay. But I’ll take a chance because I see something in you, something I saw in someone else a while back, something that was maybe a mere portrayal or some sort of temporary bliss or an oasis that never was there, really. Please don’t be that someone again and don’t give me another illusion of a perfect life and take it away from me right when I get ready to take it to the next level. Promise me to not leave me standing with flowers in my hands and blood in my eyes and a pale blue sky above me that cried as I cried, yelling and sobbing and dying inside. Promise me you will not leave me over a stupid argument, or a big one, or something that we can totally talk about and sort out. I don’t want to be agreed with every time. Promise me that you will know when to let me speak and when to shut me up because I can be rather unhinged and sharp at times, saying things I rather should not have. But you need to tell me when to stop, tell me you don’t believe me when I say we can’t work out, and challenge me to actually work on it if I have the strength to. But one thing I don’t want you to promise me is a forever. Because that is a promise I am still not okay accepting, not okay believing. I used to be a big believer of destiny until destiny failed me with the only thing I thought it ever got me right. It took away from me my greatest possession and in turn left me with a void, some echoing hollow inside of me, aching to be filled, but I know better. It cannot be filled and I am not asking you for that. All I am asking of you is, please do not dig another hole in me that cannot be filled by anyone else. Please. And if you can promise me that, maybe, just maybe, we might have a chance at something good.