This Love

One of these days will be the last time I’ll feel this love for you. This love that I have been carrying ever since the day we decided to separate. You know, I don’t think about this as often as I used to. Apparently, I might not have moved on but it is working. This distance, this silence. It is working and a part of that love, a large part, unfortunately, is gone. I think of it as kind of relieving but also upsetting. I never wanted this to go. The thought that this day is not so far makes me crumble. I might have promised you that it would never fade away, this love, but what matters more is that I promised myself. The day I confessed to you, I still remember, I was staring at the phone screen with my eyes wide open at 11:37 on a cold winter night. My heart was in my hand, no wait, in your hand actually, and I was praying to the lord that he would make you keep it. I had wanted you for so long and you were finally one word away from being mine. A yes. That was all that was between me and you. Not this world, not my past, not one thing. It wasn’t easy you know. As much as I was hoping you would say yes, I could not help but create a scenario where you would say no. A world where I would have confessed my love for you and you would have turned it down, and we would have been required to survive each other’s presence in person for 3 more months to follow before we could finally move ahead to college and get rid of that bond. Thank God you said yes. Love is a complicated feeling. We see them displaying it, talking about it, writing about it, and fighting for it, and yet about 99% of the times we fail to understand what it is. I think, love is giving yourself to someone in such a senseless manner that includes you giving away your greatest treasure as a human, your emotions, for someone else to look after. And however scary that may sound, it’s one of the best feelings in the world. It’s breathtakingly soulful to see someone want you. And it’s equally soul-crushing to see them take all that love back. I remember you once told me that sometimes you would stand against the wall with your forehead touching it, imagining that it was me. I still believe it to be one of the most loving things ever said to me. But back to the point. This fading love. One of these days I was reading all the paragraphs you used to write me back then. I would read them and question myself the same thing over and over again, how can something THIS amazing, die? I am and will forever be unable to answer this question. But just because you don’t have an answer to something does not make it untrue. Like this situation, our situation. I asked the lord for you and he gave that to me and took it back. I mean, I didn’t know it worked like that up there. There were instances when you would sit across me, eating or talking or doing anything and I would just watch you and think to myself that how, how can someone be like this? You shone so brightly it hurt my eyes. I used to get intimidated by your smile thinking that it would make people want to steal you from me. I can’t say I was wrong because look at us now. I don’t know if it was the people but it was something. Something I will never understand but will have to because maybe it makes sense to you. Meanwhile, I’ll sit here and watch this love fade away, this love that took years to form and years to come to shape. This love that speaks volumes because I can bet they talk about us every time we are not at the table. This love that makes it so hard for us to tell each other that we miss each other because we are worried to mess with our heads. What great love must that be right? I wish I could carve it out of my heart and keep it in a glass bottle by my table, looking at it every morning and thinking to myself that the best days of my life are behind me but not being upset about it. Incredible love. We go together. We used to go together.

This Legend

She walked down the aisle,

I walked down your heart

This legend is so vast

I don’t know where to start.

It began on the silliest note

More like a rom-com tragedy

You reading her the love letter you wrote,

But your eyes were locked with me.

We were strangers living too close to be called so

Used to meet in the park, walking our dogs

You were the handsome neighbor they called ‘cookie dough’,

And I, the cruel witch with the house in the fog.

We had unusual encounters, ones that people would never approve,

Our eyes searched for each other in the most uncanny moments

But the looks on our faces were so aloof,

Our bodies were the ones that went through the torment.

One time i saw you at the supermarket

Buying yourself cookies and juice

You stood behind me, my hand was the target,

That was when I knew you were desperate too.

You brushed my hand with the back of yours,

Of Course you were smart enough to call it a mistake

But your mistake seemed to be a failed detour,

As neither were you sorry nor did you hesitate.

We started seeing each other at the park,

The mornings for the dogs, the evenings for us

Even my dog liked you, at you he never barked,

And days you didn’t show up, he waited till the dusk.

Our unintended meetings became rendezvous

We started to talk, to laugh, even shout

The neighbours started to watch, there wasn’t much they could do

I’d say that was the time your wife began to doubt.

It was fueled the day we exchanged numbers

I promise I heard you yell form across the street

Talking to you somehow made this witch humble,

I started to seem happy and people started to greet.

But the day our tables turned was yet to come,

Your wife was out of town, took the dog along

That day in the park, i asked you your reason to come,

You looked me dead in the eye for so long.

When leaving, I asked you if you wanted to eat at Bran’s,

And you knew it took everything inside me to ask that

You took a moment to think, of course, you were a married man

But you dared not say no, couldn’t lose the only feather in your hat.

 While on the way you suggest to go to my place,

“You praise your witch-craft a lot”, you say as you groan

I replied, “looks like I need to give you a taste”

I bet you felt the chills in your bones.

We reached my place, we took off our coats,

You praised the furniture, trying to make a conversation;

The way your eyes glittered, I could feel your dry throat

Oh! How I would feast on you if not for the obligations!

I wasn’t the best of cooks, but that day I put in my all,

I remember you praised it as if it was heaven you tasted

I sat there noticing your devilish eyes and cunning jaw

While you show regret for all the time you wasted.

While we talk at the dinner table, you slip a few words,

“My wife and I are more like an arrangement”, you spill out

“Explains why no kids, just a dog”, I purred

You grin at me as if you’d finish me in a draught.

An hour passed by, then another two passed away,

You get up saying it’s late, you wanted to leave

But I don’t know why your eyes screamed you wanted to stay,

I gathered all my courage to say, “why not stay for the eve?”

Your eyes shone brighter the moment I said it

I knew it was all the assurance you need;

You let go of the half open door and it clicked,

We both knew tonight we were doing the deed.

You came near me, hands still in the air unsure,

I touch your chest and you shiver under your skin

You were not waiting for consent anymore,

God, I still think of your beastly grin.

We made love till the morning, forgetting the rest,

But I could hear you thinking beneath the sheets

I gave you your time and space, staying silent at my best,

It was obvious, you were new in the game of cheats.

Next day my I was alone in the bed, a note on the table,

“I might be fond of witch-craft”, it read;

I kept it safe in my favorite book with a label,

Since then, it was your site I dread.

We were no longer the friends our neighbors thought we were,

We were two hungry wolves fulfilling our greed

Or maybe two lost souls seeking clarity in this world so blurr,

 All I knew was, you were everything one could need.

I stopped showing up at the park, no more rendezvous

I didn’t respond to your hundred calls and even more texts;

I won’t lie, it was a state of guilt and blues,

But little’ did we know, what the world had for us next.

After a million tries you show up at my door,

I panic at your sight with a slight comfort of seeing you again

“She cheated on me, went to see someone in the name of a tour”,

I expected it to be heart-breaking but we sure didn’t feel any pain.

Only when you showed up, I realised I was dying,

I was longing to see you, to hold your hands

And I know I am wicked, but if I disagree I’d be lying

It was my life’s best sight, to see you remove that platinum band.

This time I walked down the aisle,

And I walked down your heart,

This legend is so vast

I don’t know where to start!