I step in and it feels like a different world. A world I have known forever maybe even in my past lives. It feels like a million years since I last came here but also like yesterday. I remember my plan. I’ll go on a day it is assumed to be raining, sit on the bench near the book shop, facing the ground in the U-shape building. I would sit there until it starts to rain and I would watch the rain like we did when we used to be a part of this place, when we made this place from our existence. When this place was mine, ours. I cross the book shop and sit exactly where I was supposed to. I can see some young kids playing volleyball in there and shouting at the top of their lungs. I can see the usual buzz of the place and the air that is filled with moments that are becoming memories with every passing second. The memories these kids will reminisce if only they could remember them. I am overwhelmed. I continue to breathe in my thoughts as I see a guard walking towards me asking me who I am and what am I doing there sitting. I tell myself to be a pass-out student waiting for the period to get over so that I could meet a particular teacher. I lied, of course, I was there entirely because I missed that place. I was just writing in my notes when the first drops of rain touch the ground and the students run around finding shelter to save themselves from getting drenched. It’s funny watching them trying to avoid the rain as it was the only thing I lived for in these months. Getting drenched tip to toe, watching you do the same. I can literally cry my eyes out to this bare memory if I try to but I will save them for later. I heard a guy, seemingly an 11th grader, talking trash about the school, my school, our school, and I could not help but get offended. And don’t get me wrong I remember doing this myself as well but somehow now that I’m not a part of this world anymore it means the world to me. I know it sounds hypocritical but be it. As I watch my surroundings, I see that one girl not hiding away from the rain, letting it soak through her clothes, her body. Now, I might just start crying. As I continue watching her I see a guy walk right behind her and let himself get soaked too. Oh, to be that girl. Wait, I have been that girl, haven’t I? The two seemed to be in love, more like the last few days of friendship right before they fall in love. Deep, kind, breathtaking love, funny, exciting, exhilarating love. The kind of love that lifts you from the ground before it turns into convicting, soul-crushing love, bloodsucking, suicidal love. I had it once, I still do I guess. The bell rang and the clatter around starts to go back to their classes as their period seems to be over. They dread to go back to their classes, not knowing how dearly they would miss even the tiniest bit of it once they leave this place behind. There aren’t many people around anymore and luckily the guard is not in sight anymore, giving me enough time to be sad in peace. I am in a weird place honestly. I have always believed myself to be the type to always have her next move planned out, to know how the day is to go, to have it all planned out. But somehow, for the first time in my life, I don’t know where I’m going, what I want. For the first time in my life, I seem to have lost purpose, direction, and motivation all at once. And I believe you are a big reason for me feeling this way. It always baffles me how one person by your side can make you go through the darkest days by keeping you safe in their arms and how the same person can take that comfort away within a fraction of a second and leave you on the brink of existence. I miss, in bold capital letters, being yours. I am certainly crying by now, I think as I touch my face and yes, I was. If, only if there was a way to turn back time. I would give all my tomorrows for that one yesterday. I would sell my soul to be able to live those few days again even if I know that every time I would end up the same way, crying, brokenhearted, unwanted. I would not think twice. I dreamt of a life with you and that life was taken away from me ruthlessly a few months back. I fought but I lost. I sometimes stop and wonder if you think all of this too, if you feel this way too. Or are you free from these suffocating thoughts and leading your life without me, like it used to be before you ever met me. I remember one of the last things you told me was that you watch the moon when you’re lonely. Now I watch the moon hoping that maybe someday, we both would be watching the moon at the same time, at the exact same moment, with the same thought in our heads and the moon would look at the two of us, disheartened, thinking how good we could have been. I am crying my eyes out and probably making sobbing noises too.
I hear the guard from a distance and almost prepare myself to be thrown out of this place like we were once before because it does not belong to us anymore when I see something too extraordinary to believe. No way, there is no way on earth. I am sitting but my legs are trembling from the sight in front of me, the sight of you. I wipe off my tears in haste as I see you walk towards me, flesh and blood, like I remember.
Tag Archives: lost
Dear Old Friend
We were 14, bare teenagers
Newly hit puberty, doing each other favors.
You were the smart and silent kid,
I was the bold and dreamy
You were definitely better in academics
But I was the one more gleamy.
You sat in front of me, that’s how I remember you
I never thought we would take it that far
You tried getting my number as if there was nothing you wouldn’t do
But I was still to cover some of my scars.
We became friends after the big blunder you did
I bet you remember texting my mother
Would you believe she still calls you, “that smart kid”?
Trust me, she doesn’t really remember many others.
That went silent, but one fine day
I would say all I was doing was testing my luck
But you replied to my text, it was early may
My summer instantly had more flowers to pluck.
We talked and talked, like that was all we knew
Day to night, all I cared about was you
From broad daylights to the misty dews
Never had many, but you were definitely in those few.
We were innocent in the beginning
Trying to put the best foot forward
Until there was time, to your texts, I was grinning
I was a good kid then, and you were my award.
Time went by, and the innocence did too,
I swear if you say that wasn’t love you’d be lying
We used to talk of a forever, we were fools
Coz if that came true, right now I wouldn’t be dying.
Oh dear! We grew up to become different people
I accept I was not the girl you wanted me to be
Our graph started going down like a steep hill
But it took us way too long to see.
I remember you getting mad when it wasn’t you
I remember myself being jealous
Yes, I know I was a little distracted by a few
But I swear when it came to you, I was selfless.
That thing escalated so high that our unsaid love felt short
Each day brought another brick down
We both were nothing less than some wild sport
Don’t know how we ended up in a circus dressed as clowns.
By 16, your priorities were sorted
And unfortunately, it didn’t seem to be me
It took me time to understand, I was distorted
Until I knew you set yourself free.
We still talked, but not like the golden days
The conversations were short, work and the weather
We slowly started to separate our ways
As to your hat, I was no longer the only feather.
This thing went on falling from great heights
I wasn’t ready, but I knew it was time
You were no longer the one in my sight
Losing you felt nothing less than a crime.
And this is how our story unfolds
I wanted to keep it for myself
But I read somewhere, the truth better be told
I believe this is how the word ‘lost’ spells.
And if today, you are reading these lines
I bet you know these are for you
After all this is not our first time
And I know, you know that too.
Poetry In My Veins 