Tag Archives: acceptance

Complete

I’ve had so many failed relationships throughout my life that sometimes, just sometimes it takes a toll on me. Why did they fail? Why with me? Am I the problem? Am I too stubborn? Unbendable? Am I that difficult to deal with? These were some questions that cluttered my mind and they still do that sometimes. Except, this time I know just the trick to not let them get to me, and I present to you, the theory of completeness.

Ever since we have got a mind of our own to think with, one of the most common phrases that we had heard people say about love, friendships, and relationships in general is: they complete me, he completes me, my friends complete me, blah blah blah. Honestly, I used to believe it was this way too unless one day I realized it wasn’t. Completing someone is a myth and one of the most dangerous and heartbreaking myths so far. It has ruined lives, and relationships and led things to end that were otherwise good to go. The fact that we expect someone to come into our lives and complete us is a proof that we believe that we, in ourselves, are not complete and you can spend thousands on therapy and watch motivational videos and do all sorts of yoga and mind exercises but nothing will work unless you get that one thing straight. Self-Worth. Accept yourself for what you are, hype yourself up, and DO NOT let the world trick you into believing that there is someone out there, yet to come into your life, to complete you. You complete yourself. There is no one in the world who can love you the way you love yourself and that is the reason so many relationships fail. People expect their partners to love them unconditionally and when they realize that isn’t a possibility they move on thinking that they might not be the one. Whereas the right approach is to know that there is only one person in the world who can, in fact, give you that unconditional love and that is, drumroll please, you. Come on, say it with me. I complete myself. I always did, I was just too caught up to see that. I love myself and forever will. I am complete in myself and looking for people who are complete in themselves so that they do not come falling into me for that completeness. I feel it. I know it. I am complete. Welcome to the new age.

Rain (Part 3)

He says nothing. Like the last time, I cried my eyes dry. He sits there silently letting me rant, letting me go on because he has nothing to say or because he doesn’t want to. And it breaks me yet further that he does not even care enough to give me an explanation. I feel like a broken vase that has been put together with adhesive only strong enough so far. I feel frozen and numb and a million different things but he sits there with no emotion on his face. I shed teardrops bigger than the hope I carried in myself. I curl up like the earthworm from the rain in the bush nearby. I know I should stop but I don’t know how to. I never knew how to.


“I’m tired, Ty. I’m tired of pretending that I am done with it, done with you. I’m tired of wanting to text you and asking my friends if I should when I know I will be getting the same answer every time. I don’t fucking understand how can I still dream of someone I left behind every other day. Every day I dream of you as if nothing happened or if it did it still worked out or even if it didn’t that I am trying. I am sick of these random breakdowns and unasked-for tears. I loathe that every night my mind subconsciously injects memories into my head, memories that I do not wish to see. Memories that were never made and I wanted to make someday but not anymore. I hate that after everything that went wrong, I am willing to forgive you. I hate that you are going on with life as normally as one could and here I am still left with these leftover crooked feelings, damp and stinking, rotting into nothingness. You used to say leaving was never an option Ty, and look at me now spending my nights alone staring at ceilings as if they would somehow liven up and tell me what to do and how to do. How to get over this hurt, ahead of this hurt.” I’m breathless as I am practically screaming by now. I collect my breath trying to calm myself down, getting flashbacks of a convo we had some time back. I realize I’ve said too much when I notice a tear on your cheek. I crumble.


“I’m sorry Ty. I didn’t mean to. It’s just that I never really thought of a life after you, I mean, sure we talked about it but I never thought it would turn real someday. And now it’s real and I am alive and breathing in this world without you by my side. I thought, I really thought we’d make it. I’ll shut up now.”
I say as I get a few handwritten letters out of my bag, letters I wrote but never had the chance to give. I hand them to him and he takes them and looks at me to tell him what they are.
“I knew you’d be coming. I had a feeling. One of these, I wrote a few days ago when I decided to visit. I think I should leave now. I… I’m sorry Ty.”

“I think it has stopped raining…” he says looking up at the sky.

“Of course it has, we aren’t dancing in it.” I say as I sprint out of that place, the place I used to look forward to for ten years of my life. The place I knew to be the only home besides my real one. I leave with no intention of ever coming back not that I will ever be able to. It has stopped raining.

Porch

I guess I have one last thing to say

One last promise to make

Let me say it out loud

Let us both find our peace along the way.

We flew so high we touched the clouds

Something chopped our wings, and we came crashing down

We had good times, good memories, and emotions

And infinite inside jokes that used to be our own.

Hurting you was an unconscious mistake

You know I mean it, I begged the gods for you

Giving up on each other for attitude we couldn’t take

We were so unbendable we had no clue.

But after all this turmoil that we went through

And all this drama that left us numb

I want you to never forget how good we were once

I want you to know how far we have come.

I still see you sometimes when I’m asleep

Wake up and realize it was something I couldn’t keep

And yes it’s sad to let someone like you go

But I knew it was time and I couldn’t have said no.

Trust me you will continue to be in my good books

And I’ll forever praise the qualities you possessed

I’ll miss calling you first thing I wrote something new

But I hope you continue to read them, happy or when stressed.

And I’ll defend you every time they come at us

Trying to tell me, as if they know what we were

Because that’s something only you and I shared

I might not have the right anymore, but I swear I still care.

You might have people too who laugh at what we had

But don’t worry about them, people were always jealous anyway

We have run our course with memories sweet and sore

Now we keep them in a shimmery box and bury them by the shore.

I want you to achieve all we ever talked about

Want you to continue winning without a hint of doubt

Keep shining with or without me

Maybe invisible, but forever on your side, I’ll be.

We didn’t work out in this world, but somewhere else we just might

Building a life together, we might achieve great heights

And stand on that porch we used to talk of

Watching the rain as it pours and falls off.

So let go of the differences that led to where we are

We did the right thing before it went too far

You gave me more bliss than you gave me scars

And it might not be mine anymore, but take care of that heart.

Poems

I think I saw your eyes in CP today

Starlike gaze, staring right through me

I wasn’t mad or afraid this time

I wasn’t me this time.

I thought a lot in the past two months

Our ups and downs, our smiles and frowns

I still have a couple of letters lying around for you

One I wrote at my highest high, other at my lowest low.

This poem is so raw I can’t even seem to rhyme it

Yet my hands see no reason to stop writing

But I swear this is not another diss track

Just a child trying very hard to sound adult.

There are a lot of times when I miss you unconsciously

Like the times when I wake up from my evening nap

Or times when I achieve something thinking of how

Your appreciation alone would make my day.

I think love is more like waves of an ocean

They hit you back and forth but leave you soaking forever

And the ship of integrity floats till it floats

Before sinking in the dark undiscovered rubble.

I think you’ll still be here in a hundred years

Reading my silly poems out of fear

The fear of breaking that endless string

The string that forever connects you and me.

I’ll forever miss the way your thumb

Traced my little finger while holding my hand

And the way you smiled so secretly

When I adored you with words you said you didn’t like.

Maybe one of these days I’ll think of you for the last time

And let you go for once and for all

Maybe I’ll stop staring down from this cliff of hoax

And be brave enough to jump or trust the fall.

I hope you stay kind like the day I fell for you

And your will stays strong like the day you turned me down

I hope you see in someone what I saw in you

And she doesn’t end up writing poems about you two.

I know things have gone too far and hope is a threat

And if you think closely, maybe this is for the best

I want you to know I have absolutely no regrets

I’ll forever remember you fondly even though you put me to test.