Uncategorized – Page 5 – Poetry In My Veins

Dream

I woke up in a haphazard today, due to a dream. For someone who has potentially worked on getting rid of a few memories, I think I should have stopped dreaming about you way before. But there you were, looking breathtaking as always. The setting was our school corridors, and recess time. I was outside the classes with my friend R and my cousin N. N doesn’t show up in my dreams very often and today she did for some reason. Maybe because even she was upset when I gave her the news. Our classrooms were different and I don’t have a reason for that either. Neither did I try to find out. I remember laughing and roaming around and then my eyes move to the window of the class you were sitting in. I wasn’t exactly peeping, I was seeing you from a distance. You were having lunch with some old classmates we knew mutually. And I was overwhelmed. Isn’t it crazy? I saw you in a dream and I was overwhelmed by emotions I dread. I was somehow aware that we were broken up, yes, even in the dream and I was wishing to find a way to just have a convo. Maybe an awkward one, but one. So I go to R and N and ask them to do something, anything, which includes both, you and me. I sound so desperate even in my dream, trying to get one conversation from that one person. I remember N and R made fun of it and I had to let them because well, what else could have been done. I remember they went into the class without me, failing our little shenanigans, and I, disappointed as always, hung my head low and started walking on the opposite side of the corridor. I saw an unknown girl calling in for a hug and for a second I thought it was for me because I really could have used one but it was for another girl, one of her friends maybe. I remember I was so upset from that idea failing as if I lost something that had already been lost. There is no way of putting it into words but if I could, by any chance, it was a nightmare. I call such dreams, emotional nightmares. It’s funny how dreams make you feel things you haven’t felt in real life for a long time or ever. I don’t remember being a school kid. I don’t remember what it felt like and I don’t remember what the lunch break looked like. But in my dreams, I see it just the way it was. It baffles me how our dreams know what’s going on and how to make you feel things you feel in a real-world, as they are. I remember being in a position like that, but not a situation. There has never in my life been a situation like that and thank goodness there hasn’t. This dream was such a tremendous blow I had to write about it. I think, sometimes you go so far hating someone that at one particular moment, you don’t know what you hated them for. But you can’t go back to not hating them because you don’t know how to. How do you tell yourself the reason doesn’t exist anymore or does it? Have you just forgotten? Which leaves you with empty hate, which is all you know. I am not a big fan of dreams unless it’s some fictional character I’ve been crushing on. But this, this made me feel a certain wave of emotions, happy or sad, I’m yet to know. Thus, I had to write.

Consent

Hello readers. This is going to be deep so I want to warn you already if you are here for the latest gossip decoding or shallow stuff, might not be the vibe today. I have been thinking a lot lately. I have been facing writer’s block for some time now. Years, it feels like it’s been years. I write a lot but not poems. It just doesn’t seem to rhyme anymore and then is when it hit me. Things don’t always have to be rhymed to make sense. Poems are poems for the way they carry emotions and make you feel warm or cold or a stream of energy rushing to your veins and not because of the abab rhyming scheme it carries. And that’s what I will be doing. I have decided that now this blog will not be confined to poems. I started this blog keeping in mind that I wanted to share my emotions and feels across and that’s what I’ll be doing. Sharing what I feel, when I feel it. It’s going to be words, just words. Not poems, not stories, no boundaries. I will write whatever way it comes out and I hope you accept it that way. After all not all deep thoughts have a place or a set frame to fit in, just like some things, just like some people. So here, I will be talking about songs and how they make me feel, every feeling that hits me throughout the day, and what I think about them. Good emotions, destructive emotions, things straight from my notes whether or not it makes sense. It must have made back then. Love and heartbreak, unicorns and ice creams. I hope you find a home in these just the way I do. And hope, I will talk a lot about hope.

Porch

I guess I have one last thing to say

One last promise to make

Let me say it out loud

Let us both find our peace along the way.

We flew so high we touched the clouds

Something chopped our wings, and we came crashing down

We had good times, good memories, and emotions

And infinite inside jokes that used to be our own.

Hurting you was an unconscious mistake

You know I mean it, I begged the gods for you

Giving up on each other for attitude we couldn’t take

We were so unbendable we had no clue.

But after all this turmoil that we went through

And all this drama that left us numb

I want you to never forget how good we were once

I want you to know how far we have come.

I still see you sometimes when I’m asleep

Wake up and realize it was something I couldn’t keep

And yes it’s sad to let someone like you go

But I knew it was time and I couldn’t have said no.

Trust me you will continue to be in my good books

And I’ll forever praise the qualities you possessed

I’ll miss calling you first thing I wrote something new

But I hope you continue to read them, happy or when stressed.

And I’ll defend you every time they come at us

Trying to tell me, as if they know what we were

Because that’s something only you and I shared

I might not have the right anymore, but I swear I still care.

You might have people too who laugh at what we had

But don’t worry about them, people were always jealous anyway

We have run our course with memories sweet and sore

Now we keep them in a shimmery box and bury them by the shore.

I want you to achieve all we ever talked about

Want you to continue winning without a hint of doubt

Keep shining with or without me

Maybe invisible, but forever on your side, I’ll be.

We didn’t work out in this world, but somewhere else we just might

Building a life together, we might achieve great heights

And stand on that porch we used to talk of

Watching the rain as it pours and falls off.

So let go of the differences that led to where we are

We did the right thing before it went too far

You gave me more bliss than you gave me scars

And it might not be mine anymore, but take care of that heart.

Favorite Song

She looks a little pale

Her hands are too veiny

Her hair seems to have lost girth

I wonder if it’s because the weather is rainy.

She sits right across from me

Still as if holding her breath

I don’t know why it’s so unsettling

Is this real or the breakup’s aftermath?

How have you been? I say

Trying to distract myself from her constant gaze

I can’t afford to memorize her face again

A face it took years to erase.

We laugh at our infinite memories

We cry thinking of the day we parted

She hears me, reacts to everything too

But I sense her smile is halfhearted.

We feel hungry and get something to eat

I get her a mojito, I knew she loved one

She passes me an ashen grin

So wry, the feelings seem absolutely none.

We wind up as I joke about her

About how she looks almost lifeless

She laughs this time with all her heart

A laugh I remember being priceless.

I had terminal cancer, she says out of the blue

The world goes silent and I can hear the stares

I think it’s late we should get going

She says as I see her getting up from the chair.

I catch her on my way out

I stop her for a bare moment

How come I never knew this at all?

Why were you alone in that torment?

Oh I wanted to but there was never a good time

I was looking for the right moment and you had problems of your own

Plus I realized we had stopped making sense

I realized it was time to go back home.

What issues are you talking about?

Were they so crucial that I couldn’t see?

Put your love aside and think about it

After all these years, why do you still see me?

My eyes go blurry and I stand there like a ghost

As the man next to me says what’s taking me so long

I scatter as I realize you’re not next to me anymore

Oh nothing, I just heard my favorite song.

Funny Thing

I had a really bad breakdown about a couple months ago
He broke up with me over text or so
It’s okay though, I’m fine, it’s in the past now
All I really care about is making the best out of now.

So I’m talking to a guy who knows how to dream
But there are times he’s so rude that I just wanna scream
And it ends up ruining all my fantasies for him
Leaving me wondering how cool we could have been.

I’m not particularly excelling a lot academically
And that’s one of the reasons I feel so silly
My self-esteem is jetting down like a rocket
And I have absolutely no money in my pocket.

Peer pressure gets me bad and I hate it so much
I mean I don’t very often get overwhelmed as such
But sometimes people just don’t know when to stop
And it’s all fun and games until it’s not.

I don’t really get along very well with my folks
Some days are good but most are rocky roads
They don’t really seem to care and neither do I
All I want is them to be happy and have what’s mine.

These were a few problems and I have a hundred more
Like coming back from college with my feet all sore
But will that ever stop me from living my life
Or staying up talking to guys late at night.

The point is that life is supposed to be so
But this is how I have so many stories to be told
I might be upset sometimes but I don’t regret anything
Problems make life fun and that’s the funny thing.