Hole

Truth be told, you are not my first. You are not even my second in a lot of ways. You are not the first guy who I put lip balm on, and you are not the first guy I held the arm of, and you are not the first guy to look at me with glitter in his eyes. You are not the first guy to promise me a forever or to tell me that breaking up with me would be the biggest mistake if you ever make it or that your family knows about me. I have heard all of that before. I have been there before. And like Taylor says in Exile, I have seen this film before and I didn’t like the ending. But I am ready to give this a try, to give you a chance. I know there is a very high chance of me getting my heart broken again and you being yet another guy who would devastatingly leave me in the misery he picked me up from. There is no promise of you to stay. But I’ll take a chance because I see something in you, something I saw in someone else a while back, something that was maybe a mere portrayal or some sort of temporary bliss or an oasis that never was there, really. Please don’t be that someone again and don’t give me another illusion of a perfect life and take it away from me right when I get ready to take it to the next level. Promise me to not leave me standing with flowers in my hands and blood in my eyes and a pale blue sky above me that cried as I cried, yelling and sobbing and dying inside. Promise me you will not leave me over a stupid argument, or a big one, or something that we can totally talk about and sort out. I don’t want to be agreed with every time. Promise me that you will know when to let me speak and when to shut me up because I can be rather unhinged and sharp at times, saying things I rather should not have. But you need to tell me when to stop, tell me you don’t believe me when I say we can’t work out, and challenge me to actually work on it if I have the strength to. But one thing I don’t want you to promise me is a forever. Because that is a promise I am still not okay accepting, not okay believing. I used to be a big believer of destiny until destiny failed me with the only thing I thought it ever got me right. It took away from me my greatest possession and in turn left me with a void, some echoing hollow inside of me, aching to be filled, but I know better. It cannot be filled and I am not asking you for that. All I am asking of you is, please do not dig another hole in me that cannot be filled by anyone else. Please. And if you can promise me that, maybe, just maybe, we might have a chance at something good.